There’s a point early in every project where the tone is set.
It happens quietly, often before any work begins. Someone walks into a meeting, opens their laptop, and begins to explain not what they do, but what they think the client wants to hear.
From that moment, they start negotiating against themselves.
It’s one of the most common mistakes I see when working with companies, charities, or public sector teams: they begin from a position of servitude, not expertise. They aim to please rather than to lead.
As comedian and personal hero, Jon Stewart once said, “Don’t negotiate against yourself don’t work to what you think other people want. Work to what you think is right.”
It’s simple advice, but it should be printed on every consultancy wall in the country.
The quiet trap of trying to please
When you spend your time anticipating what the client wants, and not what they need, or you do best, you start playing a game of educated guesswork.
You reword your proposals to sound more “aligned.” You lower your prices to seem more “flexible.” You dilute your ideas to be more “collaborative.” But the irony is that this kind of compliance rarely creates collaboration.
When you try to fit into someone else’s shape, you lose the edges that made you valuable in the first place. Clients don’t need another mirror held up to their assumptions; they need someone who knows their craft well enough to say, “Here’s what works. Here’s what doesn’t. Let’s build from there.”
“If you try to please everyone, you’ll lose your edge”
There’s a scene in Almost Famous where Lester Bangs, the burned-out music critic, gives advice to the young journalist chasing approval:
“You cannot make friends with the rock stars.”
He’s warning against the same instinct that holds so many professionals back, the need to be liked more than respected.
When you’re focused on approval, you lose the ability to challenge. When you lose the ability to challenge, you stop adding value.
Confidence isn’t arrogance. It’s the quiet certainty that comes from knowing your domain, and the sense that your experience is worth listening to.
The case for expert collaboration
When I walk into a room as a consultant, I remind myself: I am not here to agree with the client. I’m here to make them better.
That requires friction: the constructive kind.
A good collaborator says, “I value what you’re doing right, but let’s work on how make the things going wrong better, here are my ideas, what are yours?.”
It’s a statement of value, and true collaboration. It’s how doctors, architects, and engineers work. No one hires a surgeon and then tells them how to hold the scalpel.
And the kicker is this, we are all consultants. We all bring skills to the table, and we should all bring ideas to our clients. They hire us because we’re the experts in whatever we do.
when we aren’t consultants, the hierarchy gets blurred. Because when we’re trained to please, we forget that leadership doesn’t mean control; it means clarity.
Confidence in your method invites others to trust you. That trust, in turn, creates space for dialogue, compromise, and shared progress.
Why this matters
The cost of undervaluing yourself is more than financial, though that’s certainly part of it. When you lower your price, or accept a job you know you won’t be good at out of fear rather than fairness, you send a message about your confidence. It’s not the number that matters most; it’s what that number says about how you see yourself.
But the deeper cost is emotional.
Working to someone else’s imagined expectations is exhausting. It breeds anxiety, resentment, and creative fatigue. Over time, it dulls your instincts and erodes your professional identity.
The alternative is harder, but infinitely healthier: to begin from a position of grounded expertise. To say, “I respect myself, and my skills. That’s why you, the client, brought me here.
The ripple effect
Confidence, once practiced, becomes cultural.
In teams, it spreads quickly. When people see that it’s safe to speak with authority , to contribute, not just comply, the work changes. Meetings become faster. Decisions get sharper. Ideas move forward.
For leaders, it’s about setting that tone early. Reward clarity, not cautiousness. Celebrate those who bring knowledge, not just enthusiasm. And when people start offering opinions rather than rehearsing consensus, you know you’ve built a culture that values value itself.
The takeaway
When I mentor consultants and teams, I often say: “Value yourself, or no one else will know how to.”
That doesn’t mean shouting about your worth, although we should. It means knowing it well enough to speak from it; calmly, clearly, and without apology.
